“Who are you going to vote for? The flu or the mumps? Which disease do you want? How do you want to be sick?”
- Cool “urban” guy from this 1994 political documentary I’m watching (Related: Oliver North’s ear on my face.)
This is America. And in America, we should have a really awesome president. I think we can all agree on that. Even if we haven’t had an awesome president in 200 years or whatever.
Every four years, we passively observe the emergence of some guy versus some other guy, neither of which we really like that much. But we have to pick one, because they implore us to. And because we’re just supposed to. Right?
Listen, guys. The Democratic and the Republican parties are both pretty awful right now. I get a chill of guilt-addled adrenaline every time I consider voting for either Obama or Romney. Do we pick the guy who said he’d do a bunch of awesome shit and then backed out of most of it, almost apologetically? Or do we pick the Disney villain who’s so out of touch with real things, like median wages and science, that he wonders why he can’t open the windows on his airplane?
Every four years, we seem to forget that there are actually more than two people running for president. (I know, I just reminded you!) Yeah yeah, I know what you’ve heard. That voting for a third-party candidate is silly, right? You could be taking a vote from the “lesser of two evils” guy, so the more evil guy would end up winning!
Eventually, these circular thoughts make us equal parts exhausted and confused, and we either give in, or give up and stay home on election day.
But don’t give up yet. Or, in. Just bear with me.
These two nice-looking people could be our out.
Jill Stein and Gary Johnson are running for President of the United States under two third parties (fourth parties?). If you haven’t heard of them, I’m not mad. Getting brushed off is a bi-hourly thing for them, so they don’t get a lot of publicity. But they seem like nice people, so I’m going to show you what they’re all about.
Enter the world of Jill Stein for President:
Jill Stein represents the Green Party, which would be a clever name for a stoner’s jubilant gathering, but isn’t.
The Green Party was also home to Ralph Nader’s 2000 campaign, in which he garnered over 2 million votes, which is third-party ridiculous. So that’s probably the last time they made news. They’re all about demilitarization, social equality, and grassroots democracy (duh). So basically, peace love and grass.
But seriously. Jill Stein wants to enact a program to employ 25 million people in areas that would directly benefit a sustainable society, like organic agriculture and mass transit. So if you were wondering when you’d finally get some use out of that overpriced Liberal Arts degree, or if you eat food and go places often, keep reading.
Clearly, since Stein’s plan is too reasonable to show on TV, we have to use the Internet to proclaim her existence. Past that, we can talk about where she stands on the issues. Ready?
Well, that was exhausting. But necessary. I hope you read at least one section. (The marijuana one doesn’t count.)
In addition, she’s also a motherfucking doctor who is married to another doctor, so they do alright.
Ready to explore the depths of Gary Johnson’s Presidential Campaign?
This is not Gary Johnson, but I can’t be the only one who sees this.
Gary Johnson was the governor of New Mexico from 1995-2003. I don’t know where to put that information, but it’s still important. He was a Republican then, before the party consumed itself.
Johnson is running with the Libertarian Party, because Ron Paul decided he had to go and play with the big dogs this year. But you can’t fault a man for trying. Libertarians believe in small government, and unlike the Republican pansy-pants you hear all day, they mean it. That means support for same-sex marriage, separation of church and state, open immigration, abortion, guns, and marijuana. Wait, the extreme right does the pot thing too? Maybe. They’re just into making sure you can do it, along with most other things you’ve ever wanted to do. See? They mean it.
So where does Johnson himself stand on the issues? Let’s do this.
There you have it. I’ll bet you have qualms with a few of those bullet points, but you’re not reading this because you’re a raving fan of either of the major-party candidates, right? So in the race for the lesser of two evils, you now have four evils. You’re welcome.
How do we make a third-party candidate win? Just keep voting for them. Don’t worry about what could go wrong. Just choose your favorite candidate, and go vote for them. Close your eyes if you need to. Just go vote. And remember to open them when you’re reading or I can’t imagine how you’d vote correctly.
Coming up next: What powers the president actually has, and how many wishes have to come true before any of their legislation ideas can become laws.